ok, ok, duly chastised... :) (thanks, Jayne Wilcox!)

so i made bold claims and hopeful promises in my last post: claims to blog through my brother's illness and surgery. and clearly, that did not happen.

i realized and was subsequently paralyzed by the idea that people i know will read those posts.

Duh.

i'm the one who told them about this blog.

but when i thought about what i was going to write in several instances, i found myself thinking, "oh wait, what if so-and-so reads this? will s/he understand me? or will it be misconstrued? hmm.. this is more dangerous than i thought." (Don't worry, Mom, it's not you! :))

Sooo... deep apologies for not following through on my promise.

The quick update on my brother is that he is now fine. just fine.

The surgery went exceptionally well. they removed a benign tumor that was pressing on his spinal cord, but was not enmeshed in it. they got it all. there was no particular reason for the tumor, no known cause. he was off work for about a month, and then back at work on light duty. it's sad to say, but i don't even know for sure if he has returned to regular duty, but i assume he has. :) haha. Mom, you can correct that fact, when you read this. :)

I was glad that i went down to Houston to see him before the surgery. For those of you who live far from some friends and family, you know the weird feeling/experience of hearing about serious conditions and events that occur, but you can't really imagine the severity of it. What i mean is, when i talk to my family back home, and they tell me about everything from weather conditions to health conditions, i don't really get it. My dad can tell me about the crazy rain they got (he checks his rain gauge every day and records on his calendar the amount of rain they got. Very meticulous, that man.), and all i can do is think back to when i lived there and imagine that and assume that it is similar. Or when my mom says my dad is sick with a cold, i have emotional distance and just trust that it is minor (but when you are 75 years old, can a cold really "just be minor"?)

So all of that so say, when i went to Houston for the surgery, i saw how bad my brother had gotten. it was a little frightening to see his teetering walk up stairs or his inability to use his left hand or arm. If i had not gone down, i think i would have had emotional distance and just assumed that it wasn't too bad, ya know?

But he experienced some almost immediate recovery. That is, in the recovery room, as the anesthesia was wearing off, he was able to respond in ways that he wasn't able to even a week prior. He had already regained some crucial feeling in his left hand, and those things seemed to improve very quickly.

Likewise, i got to meet his new wife, Jennifer. She seems very swell, and they both seem very happy. yay! :)

hmm... i think i have lots of news to catch up on...

newsflash: i have decided not to do the International Student Ministry with Intervarsity. This was a difficult decision for me, especially since i love the concept and value the work being done there. In a lot of ways, i am suited for it, but in the end, my heart wasn't really in it. After going to Houston to see my brother, mom, and new sister-in-law, i think i had a little time to think. It wasn't that anything particularly happened, but rather, just the down-time to think. And i realized that i was continuing more out of a desire not to let Bill down (Bill is the one who is doing the ministry now, and who has been so key in helping me in the application process). And it really made me physically sick to my stomach to think that i would be letting him down. But i knew that THAT was not a good enough reason to do the ministry.

So where does that leave me? well, church is growing and expanding. we are praying about another church plant, specifically in the Bolton Hill/Mount Vernon areas of Baltimore. Since this comprises the schools of MICA and Peabody, it will most likely be an Arts-focused church. I'm really excited about that. I'm not really interested in doing church in such a way that just uses the arts as a cosmetic-overlay-with-the-intent-of-being-hip-and-cool. That is, i don't want to have "the same old church" that just makes use of the arts in the service of appealing to people because we are new and different. Instead, i would like it to be a church that explores the creative and the theology of God as Creator, and our role as created and creative beings. i'm not sure what that will look like, but i'm excited to think that it might be something that is, at its core, fundamentally different, but also interested in furthering the kingdom of God.

All that to say, i've started working part-time at church. Of course, most people at church think i'm full-time there already, and have been for a long time. but this is my first employment at church. haha. i'm still part-time at the pastry shop, and my work has been REALLY fantastic about it. I'm currently 2 days a week at church, and 3 days at the pastry shop. it's a 4 month trial period, to see how well we all fit. You, the reader, might think that's silly, but we haven't always worked well together. some of that has been miscommunication, some has been unclear expectations, and yet some other has been lack of self-knowledge on my part. ;) (i was explaining it to my co-worker at the shop like this: PR is a man with goals and expectations. he has vision and a list of things that need to get accomplished. Those are not negatives. But when my response and work-ethic was often, "uh, i forgot," it wasn't really helpful. :) Time has given me much emotional distance from this. :))

But, like i said, my pastry-shop-job is giving me a lot of latitude to explore this possibility. By that, i mean that they are being so accommodating by letting me go part-time, with the option of returning to full-time if it doesn't work out. Thanks, Jessica, for being so swell! i promise to do my best to be worthy of your investment.

hmm.. i guess that is all for now. a friend is headed over and i need to get dinner together! :) (mmmm.... chicken soup! and rice. and maybe porkchops with a delicious compound butter i made... mmm... haha!)

So i packed the suitcase, again, last night, this time laden with things to take home with me (like the quarters i've been saving for my dad's state quarter collection), and wow - is it heavy!

I was ready to fly out today, in the event i had to leave work and go straight to Houston. But, whew... not today.

Thane met with his new doctor (Dr. Weinberg?) at M.D. Anderson this morning, and things are hopeful. It appears that the tumor (that awful "T" word) is attached to a nerve that controls/impacts his diaphragm, and will need to come out. The good news is that there are 5 OTHER nerves that connect to the diaphragm, so the loss of this one wouldn't be the end of the world.

However, though the doctor is excited that this appears to be a textbook case, he can't guarantee that the loss of function that Thane has already experienced will return.

It does appear to be routine and not as fraught with possible negative outcomes as we first feared. :) However, i'm still planning on heading down there. i'll probably arrive in Houston on the 26th and fly back to Baltimore on the 29th.

Until then, i'm taking my suitcase out, yet again. :)

on a happier note, my brother and his fiancee have moved up the wedding from March 2007 to this weekend! :) Saturday, as a matter of fact.

So, congratulations, Thane and Jennifer! :)

i've taken the suitcase out of my trunk.

My brother has an appointment at MD Anderson (in Houston, Steph) on October 19th. So, i guess unless something happens between now and then, there will be no emergency flight to Houston. However starting the 19th, i'll be carrying it in my trunk again.

i'm a bit relieved. I guesshope that means that it isn't as serious as we fearthink.

in the meantime, his daughter turns 7 tomorrow. wow. my litle niece. SO BIG!

thanks, everyone, for your prayers!

kinda potentially bad news

well, folks/faithful readers, there is much going on in my world, even as little changes in my day-to-day.

Turns out my brother, Thane, is facing serious surgery any day now.

Thane lives back home, about an hour away from my parents. He is a cop (aka "the Man" to all y'all conspiracy theorists), a father (see the pics labeled niece and nephew), a divorce (i feel like there should be an accent aigu on the end), a fiancé, and my only sibling. He's 2.5 years older than I, and overall a pretty decent guy, it seems like.

For the past few months or so, he has been experiencing numbness in his hands and arms, as well as down the left side of his body. i wondered if it was like what i was and still do experience from time to time (the dr said i don't have that, but i have those symptoms), but it seemed more wide-spread than that.

He went to his doctor, who ordered an MRI, and found nothing. She sent him to a neurologist, who thought it might be related to his car accident of a few years ago. He ordered more MRI's, only to discover that it does NOT seem to be related to his accident.

Instead, it appears that there is a mass on his spinal cord, in the C-4 region. SOOOOOO... they have referred him to the M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston.

They don't yet know if it is a malignant tumor or just benign, but regardless, it will have to come out, if only to relieve the pressure that's causing the numbness. i believe the procedure to get a biopsy is essentially the same as to remove it, so i'm thinking it will happen in one fell swoop, and pretty soon, at that.

With all that being said, my brother and i have agreed that i might fly down to Houston, at a moment's notice, if they opt for surgery (is there any other option?), and depending on how serious a surgery it is. So, as a result, i have a suitcase packed with me, kept in my car, so that i can leave for the airport, from whereever i am, and catch the next flight down, to join my brother and the rest of the family.

i plan on blogging this - not for posterity, but more to keep in touch with people about this and how Thane is doing, and how i'm feeling (because it always come back to me, doesn't it?) about it all, and thus working through my feelings.

as far as keeping in touch with everyone, i just wanted a central location where i could consolidate info, without having to drop it into every conversation, "did i tell you blah-blah-blah-about-my-brother? oh? i did? sorry."

i have to say, i dislike overly demonstrative shows of sympathy/empathy/pity. maybe my pride is the big blocker in that, but it just irritates me.

i don't like it when people i work with drop heavy hints about something, expecting me/us to chase down the info, "hey, N, how are ya, today?" "*sigh* Not so good... *sigh*" to ask after it would be to open a sob-story-can-of-worms that never closes. You may think me heartless, cold, and pitiless, but this woman never has a good day. I mean, strangers walk in and ask me about her, on the sly, "who's the angry girl?"

So, now, when she responds with, "*sigh* Not so good... *sigh*", i say, in a chipper voice, "sorry to hear that," and walk away. (i've also tried, "sucks to be you" or "Awesome!" but that doesn't go over so well...)

so, likewise, i don't want to say, "well, my brother's pretty sick" because that's an understatement, and weirdly not-quite-accurate. i don't want to get into the conversation about it, but i don't want to hide things, either. i don't want to drop the heavy bomb in casual conversation, but to do any less feels like i'm fishing in the same way my co-worker fishes for attention, you know?

also, it is a serious deal, but my manner has been light-hearted about it for the most part. Not trivializing, mind you, but i still have some emotional distance from it, which allows me to talk about it without feeling on-the-edge. I need that distance while i am up here (versus down with the family), in order to maintain my life. What good am i if i become non-functional over something that hasn't happened yet (surgery) because i'm worried about something i cannot control?

I also have a strong sense that God is in control. This is where my theology hits the praxis (am i using the words right, Scott?).
Do i really believe that He is in control, even if things do not go as i wish them to? what if the outcomes of all of this are truly awful? There is death, there is paralysis. any time you use words like "mass" "tumor" "growth" and "spinal cord" all in the same paragraph, they should make you pause. there is no way that the words, "death" or "paralysis" could not enter the conversation as a dreaded option.

But do they have to make your blood run cold? Do they have to make you choke up and fight off an overwhelming sense of panic and loss? i don't think so. I'm not saying that "good Christians" wouldn't/shouldn't panic or freak out. that's part of being human. but what if i believe that God truly does have, not only a plan, but a better plan than i could ever dream of? But what if i believe that God is good? what if i believe that God loves me and my family and my brother? Can i still be a good sister/friend/daughter/human if i don't panic, if i have hope of God's work, even in the midst of tragedy?

Watch me crumble under the weight of the enormity of this "mass" and what it means to my family, as well as under the weight of this theology. we'll see how grounded i am in this theology, then, eh? :)

In the meantime, i have joy. not that my brother is sick, not that he is worried, or not that my mom is worried, but i have joy that God is good, and that He is going to do something glorious through this. praise God!

i'll keep y'all posted here.

well, in the grand tradition of things, when i got to work today, there was something missing.

what was it? i couldn't quite put my finger on it, at first and then, as we crossed into the start of the day (that is, after 8:30), i realized it.

M2 hadn't shown up.

She didn't show up all day. or call. Jessica put a call in to her house, and nothing.

hopefully nothing has happened to her; but more likely, she simply quit without notice. it's sad how often this has happened. i'm pretty immune to it by now. i kept laughing to myself all morning about it.

we heard from N that M2 had expressed her disgruntledness last week: that Sarah was mean and Jessica needed to get her temper "under control". We've been running with that last one, cracking jokes at everything Jessica does or says, admonishing her to get her temper under control.

Good times. we're down 2 employees as of last Friday. not only did M2 not show up today, but last friday was M1 (Foxy)'s last day as well. difference? she had given us 2 weeks notice prior to it.

I will say this for M2's disappearance: Jessica's relieved and virtually giddy over it. At least now she doesn't have to fire her.

ok, in a previous post, (June 13th - and i'll figure out how to link to it soon enough), i told a story about how M2 (my co-worker, so named because there are 2 people with her name) got locked in the fridge, even though there is no lock on the fridge.

So, here is another one:

the day after she got locked in the fridge, she took the towels and aprons from the washing machine to the dryer (to be dried, of course).

Jessica, my boss, went back to where the dryer is for something else, and saw M2 standing by the dryer, looking confused.

Jessica asked, "Do you need help? What's going on?"

M2, "i'm pressing the button and nothing is happening. i can't seem to get it started."

Jessica looks at the dryer, looks at M2, and then the dryer and back at M2, thinking, "is she on CRACK?"

So Jessica says, "did you try closing the dryer door?"

the dryer door was WIDE open. Not ajar, not "not-quite-closed". WIDE OPEN.

man... she is 63 years old. you would think she could figure out how to work the dryer by now.

Have you ever endured the horror of driving off with something on top of your car? Thursday, I drove off from work, merging onto the highway. As I was leaving, our regular UPS driver, Tristan, was pulling in, and he honked at me. I thought it was a greeting.

But no.

30 feet down the highway, I hear a “whoosh” and look in the rear-view mirror, only to see my red purse tumbling under cars, papers flying, and things-a-scattering. I am horrified and terrified at the same time. I pull over to think, and decided to do a loop and drive back to my purse. I can only think, “IDIOT. My mp3 player. Idiot. My license. IDIOT. My credit cards. IDIOT.” And then I think, “how am I going to stop traffic on this busy highway?” “I am going to look like such a dork!” (pride always seems to make an appearance, huh?)

So, as I’m doing the “U” around the massive median, I look over to where my purse is, only to see cars slowing and trying to get around the purse. But also, Tristan, our UPS regular delivery guy is in the highway, stopping traffic, holding my red purse, collecting as much of my stuff as possible. He waves as I drive off to make the next “U” turn, and I don’t know the last time I have been that thankful! I pull up behind him, and he hands over the purse, reminding me about all the stuff I had in it, “you had a camera in there! And there’s a toothbrush over there, and…” He rescued the camera (still works), the mp3 player (I think it actually got run over, but the store exchanged it with no questions asked), my wallet – virtually everything (credit cards and license included)! (I let the toothbrush go.) I did lose a bottle of meds, but thought, “ah, I don’t need to comb the highway for that. it was my backup meds. No problem.”

However, 2 days later and I can’t find my glasses. So, my friend (THANK YOU, Super!) and I drive out to comb the highway for them. Nothing. All I found was a piece of the broken case and the toothbrush. Alas. For the record, I still didn’t pick up the toothbrush.

I am still saying things like, “idiot” to myself over it (as I pick up a new glasses prescription), and I check for my purse when I’m in the car, like, 8-10 times. Sad, huh? :)