kinda potentially bad news

well, folks/faithful readers, there is much going on in my world, even as little changes in my day-to-day.

Turns out my brother, Thane, is facing serious surgery any day now.

Thane lives back home, about an hour away from my parents. He is a cop (aka "the Man" to all y'all conspiracy theorists), a father (see the pics labeled niece and nephew), a divorce (i feel like there should be an accent aigu on the end), a fiancé, and my only sibling. He's 2.5 years older than I, and overall a pretty decent guy, it seems like.

For the past few months or so, he has been experiencing numbness in his hands and arms, as well as down the left side of his body. i wondered if it was like what i was and still do experience from time to time (the dr said i don't have that, but i have those symptoms), but it seemed more wide-spread than that.

He went to his doctor, who ordered an MRI, and found nothing. She sent him to a neurologist, who thought it might be related to his car accident of a few years ago. He ordered more MRI's, only to discover that it does NOT seem to be related to his accident.

Instead, it appears that there is a mass on his spinal cord, in the C-4 region. SOOOOOO... they have referred him to the M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston.

They don't yet know if it is a malignant tumor or just benign, but regardless, it will have to come out, if only to relieve the pressure that's causing the numbness. i believe the procedure to get a biopsy is essentially the same as to remove it, so i'm thinking it will happen in one fell swoop, and pretty soon, at that.

With all that being said, my brother and i have agreed that i might fly down to Houston, at a moment's notice, if they opt for surgery (is there any other option?), and depending on how serious a surgery it is. So, as a result, i have a suitcase packed with me, kept in my car, so that i can leave for the airport, from whereever i am, and catch the next flight down, to join my brother and the rest of the family.

i plan on blogging this - not for posterity, but more to keep in touch with people about this and how Thane is doing, and how i'm feeling (because it always come back to me, doesn't it?) about it all, and thus working through my feelings.

as far as keeping in touch with everyone, i just wanted a central location where i could consolidate info, without having to drop it into every conversation, "did i tell you blah-blah-blah-about-my-brother? oh? i did? sorry."

i have to say, i dislike overly demonstrative shows of sympathy/empathy/pity. maybe my pride is the big blocker in that, but it just irritates me.

i don't like it when people i work with drop heavy hints about something, expecting me/us to chase down the info, "hey, N, how are ya, today?" "*sigh* Not so good... *sigh*" to ask after it would be to open a sob-story-can-of-worms that never closes. You may think me heartless, cold, and pitiless, but this woman never has a good day. I mean, strangers walk in and ask me about her, on the sly, "who's the angry girl?"

So, now, when she responds with, "*sigh* Not so good... *sigh*", i say, in a chipper voice, "sorry to hear that," and walk away. (i've also tried, "sucks to be you" or "Awesome!" but that doesn't go over so well...)

so, likewise, i don't want to say, "well, my brother's pretty sick" because that's an understatement, and weirdly not-quite-accurate. i don't want to get into the conversation about it, but i don't want to hide things, either. i don't want to drop the heavy bomb in casual conversation, but to do any less feels like i'm fishing in the same way my co-worker fishes for attention, you know?

also, it is a serious deal, but my manner has been light-hearted about it for the most part. Not trivializing, mind you, but i still have some emotional distance from it, which allows me to talk about it without feeling on-the-edge. I need that distance while i am up here (versus down with the family), in order to maintain my life. What good am i if i become non-functional over something that hasn't happened yet (surgery) because i'm worried about something i cannot control?

I also have a strong sense that God is in control. This is where my theology hits the praxis (am i using the words right, Scott?).
Do i really believe that He is in control, even if things do not go as i wish them to? what if the outcomes of all of this are truly awful? There is death, there is paralysis. any time you use words like "mass" "tumor" "growth" and "spinal cord" all in the same paragraph, they should make you pause. there is no way that the words, "death" or "paralysis" could not enter the conversation as a dreaded option.

But do they have to make your blood run cold? Do they have to make you choke up and fight off an overwhelming sense of panic and loss? i don't think so. I'm not saying that "good Christians" wouldn't/shouldn't panic or freak out. that's part of being human. but what if i believe that God truly does have, not only a plan, but a better plan than i could ever dream of? But what if i believe that God is good? what if i believe that God loves me and my family and my brother? Can i still be a good sister/friend/daughter/human if i don't panic, if i have hope of God's work, even in the midst of tragedy?

Watch me crumble under the weight of the enormity of this "mass" and what it means to my family, as well as under the weight of this theology. we'll see how grounded i am in this theology, then, eh? :)

In the meantime, i have joy. not that my brother is sick, not that he is worried, or not that my mom is worried, but i have joy that God is good, and that He is going to do something glorious through this. praise God!

i'll keep y'all posted here.